Becoming Vulnerable – to Have Healthier Friendships/Relationships

Relationships are complex, challenging and a source for growth. Going into any relationship in a state of unawareness, guarded and carrying baggage comes from making the same choices over and over again which only leads to heartbreak and turmoil. Stripping away habitual behaviors to become open and vulnerable is the only way to experience healthier, happier relationships.

Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is, ‘Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection. Be careful – they’re precious.’ In return, it invites, ‘Oh, I see you there. It’s okay, you’re safe. And here – here’s me.’ It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging. Relationships won’t thrive without it. Karen Young

Being vulnerable isn’t easy, exposing our most vulnerable self is a lot of work and doesn’t happen overnight, it is a process that happens as we build confidence and certainty that it’s okay to be ourselves and genuine around others.

If you view relationships as a way to become a better person instead of a way to fill a void or to make you happy, they will function better and differently and all of the relationship stumbling blocks most people experience will eventually fall away. This is effective for all relationships, not just those of a romantic nature, love and vulnerability aren’t limited to romance, in fact, they are the true nature of humanity.

Healthy relationships are always growing and changing allowing for introspection, personal growth and the ability to shift our way of being. The key to healthy relationships is that they be backed with consciously chosen meaningful intentions where everyone is always seen and heard and feels secure knowing that no matter what is said or discussed, there are no judgments, conditions or opinions that will diminish the heart of the connection between you.

First, we should be in a strong and wholesome relationship with ourselves, that will open the door for healthier relations. As we become vulnerable we will learn that our happiness and accountability in a relationship is our responsibility. then we will lift the burden of expecting anyone else to care for our happiness and feelings. Unfortunately, a majority of relationships are unconscious, revolving around feeling safe and relying on the other person to make us happy, that is what we’ve come to expect and what strains most relationships. Healthy relationships of any kind are grounded in consciousness, unquestioning trust, giving space to each person to be authentic and feeling completely accepted.

Vulnerable relationships are different asking that we be conscious, aware of our emotions, actions and words and that we are able to be ourselves. I recently read a quote that helped me put into words the way I approach relationships now, it was something like we must understand that relationships are not to make us happy but a part of our lives for us to learn and grow from.

Redefining a relationship isn’t easy, no matter how mindful we are. For me, the best way I’ve found not to conditionalize a relationship based on past experiences is to work on myself towards well-being and self-confidence and always remind myself this is a different person and situation. Because I live in awareness, I make sure to treat people as I want to be treated. Being aware and conscious is a great part of vulnerability and a constant effort meaning we can never slip into unconscious oblivion again. I can suggest trying what I’ve discovered, ask yourself questions like what will happen if say this or how would I feel if someone treated me this way before I say or do anything.

A major factor that changed the dynamics and the type of relationship I have with myself was when I chose to create boundaries such as not letting what others thought of me or my choices interfere with what I decided or how I thought of myself. I also took another big step toward being true to myself by reducing the number of people I was surrounded by. For me, that was a fairly significant move that led to a smaller circle of trusted friends. Becoming conscious and vulnerable is going to bring an obstacle course with everyone in your life, this is where you will experience the most change and weed out those people who aren’t on the same page with you.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”― Brene Brown

Being vulnerable is tricky, we can’t configure or manipulate our authenticity in any way to be accepted by another. We have to be happy with ourselves and then do the work at remaining genuine to attract the healthy relationships we deserve. Another major step is to not allow the years of self-protection from pain and toxic behavior that caused us to shut down and close people out prevent our progress to being a happier person.

Finally, I’d like to close with a video I watched and another part of the process of developing healthy friendships/relationships, Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships by Shasta Nelson

Thank you for reading my post, always live your life with your mind and heart connection in the forefront.

Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. Steve Jobs

Our world is full of opinions, they dominate everything in our lives from the clothes we wear to how we practice spiritually. Speaking your truth and maintaining your beliefs is a brave and courageous thing to do. A great example of caring less what others think is Greta Thunberg a climate activist who boldly speaks her truth. As you listen to her speak, you’ll notice that rather than going with the flow of the opinions of others, she powerfully maintains her individuality and voices her perception of climate crisis. Her strong words and opinions evokes anger and fear, so there are multitudes of critics, however she lets none of that stop her, she pushes on and keeps going.

The biggest deterrent to aspiring as a unique individual is to rely on what others think. Building confidence in ourselves, our thoughts, ideas and points of view means being vulnerable and being okay with it. Your individuality and creative spirit is why you are here, in a world where we are all expected to be like everyone else, be daring and confident with what you think.

Allowing the opinions of others to determine our choices is because we’re afraid we’ll make a mistake, say the wrong thing or make the wrong choice. There is nothing wrong with that, being determined and deliberate gives you the power of choice and the situations you end up in.

The Universe is always on your side whether it seems that way or not, your growth as a person unfolds with every decision made whether it’s by you or someone else. It helps to remember that what is right for someone else is most likely completely wrong for you.

Life evolves as we move from one situation to the next, so the choices we make are a key component to our soul’s growth. Our life path is very unique, so it’s vital that we become confident with our inner wisdom. When we fall prey to the beliefs of others, we give up our uniqueness.

On my journey to trusting myself and my decisions, it wasn’t until a few years ago that I valued that and gained the confidence to care less about the opinions of others. The person that unintentionally taught me that, spent all of her time trying to conform me into another version of herself, when I realized what was happening; I pulled away. She became very angry with me because she lost the control she thought she had. When I began relying on myself and my observations, the path became clearer for my growth as a person.

While it isn’t easy to unlearn a deeply ingrained belief that what others think is right for you, be captivated by the freedom of relying on what you think, being completely who you are and the driving force within you that guides you every day. It doesn’t mean that life will be easier, it does mean that you’re living wisely and intentionally for yourself.

“If you begin to believe what others say about you, they will begin to control you.

Not everything that appears in your mind is true. Do not let someones else’s opinion rule your life.” Haemin Sumin

Let your opinion be the only one you hear

Remember someone’s opinions and beliefs comes from the way they perceive themselves, what they think and say has nothing to do with you. You’re life and the circumstances you’re in are not the first and foremost in someone else’s mind. It helps to remember that whatever the outcome of a situation, you’re the only one who’ll be living with it.

Make a conscious effort to be unique

• Be comfortable with vulnerability, life isn’t certain, there are no solid answers or perfect solutions, the opinions of others only clouds our ability to be alright with being vulnerable and knowing that whatever we decide, no matter the outcome, it is a part of our life path and everything will work out in the end.
• Keep in mind that you’re not the most important thought in other’s minds. When someone blurts out their opinion or says unkind things to you, it has more to do with their self-doubts, insecurities and concerns about what others think about them.
• Don’t filter out the good and focus on the worst case scenario. Pay attention to your thoughts, are they negative and focused on an unfavorable outcome? When you’re doubtful and reach out to someone for their opinion, remember that what you’re asking for help with is still just in your mind so their response will have more to do with them and less to do with what you.
• Perfection is an illusion, no matter how much you want things to be perfect in your life, that is never going to happen. So, rather than put pressure on yourself to be perfect and ask someone what they think, remember no one knows you like you, how people perceive you is coming from their experiences and points of view.
• Learn to let to go of judgment from others. When you make a decision are you worried about what others will think? What do you want or what do you like? Are you making your decisions based on pleasing or impressing someone? When you choose what you truly like or want, what others think will never matter.
• Finally,don’t allow anyone to shame or challenge your choices There may be people who aren’t able to understand or let go of trying to control your life. That is their problem to resolve, not yours. Firmly let those who debate your decision to go solo that your life is your choice, you’re very capable of choosing the direction you want it to go in.

To Conclude

Stop worrying so much about what someone else thinks, it’s necessary for your sanity and your physical health. Once you stop trying to cater to other’s opinions and what they think, you’ll feel much better, you’ll know who you truly are and you will finally be able to breathe deeply and feel at peace.

Thank you for reading my post, I appreciate your time.

Self Narratives – Where They Come From and How to Change Them

“We are the sum total of our experiences. Those experiences, be they positive or negative, make us the person we are, at any given point in our lives. And, like a flowing river, those same experiences, and those yet to come, continue to influence and reshape the person we are, and the person we become. None of us are the same as we were yesterday, nor will be tomorrow.”-B.J. Neblett

We are born into stories, storytelling is a natural part of being human. The stories we develop and tell become our life story, they form our perception of everything and everyone we encounter, as well are our self-perception and our beliefs. The present state of our lives is a result of those stories.

Self narratives define our way of seeing who we believe we are, our sense of self-worth and what we believe we are capable of, they help us connect with others and how we empathize. As we grow into adults, our narratives become our perception of the world.

Not only are we storytellers, we are story listeners. Narratives are woven into our heads and throughout our lives become very real to us even if they are imagined or nothing like any situation we may have experienced. Whether we are aware of it or not, we combine all of the elements of our stories to create an explanation of our lives. Our imagination combined with these stories can either pull us into misconceptions and suffering or draw us into a life of happiness, love and positive outcomes. We are the authors of our stories.

While not all stories we are told or tell are wrong or harmful, they are the foundation for many of the circumstances that we live every day. Like everyone else, my stories come from a variety of sources where I’ve created visuals of myself and my abilities. The difference for me came with my journey into mindfulness which has helped me tremendously with my self-narratives, whether I’m creating stories about myself, the people around me or any experiences I have.

The internalized stories we tell ourselves are our own personal myths. Like myths, our stories are a combination of fact and what may or may not be conjecture. They have villains and heroes that either propel us forward or hold us back. We can figure out where those stories originated by reflecting, looking at each part of who we are and where that stems from. We can edit, revise and interpret those stories even if limited by facts, we can also rewrite them. Consider this, our lives, our stories and our health are inextricably interwoven.

How do you recognize the stories you tell yourself, and if they are getting in your way?

Start by thinking through who you are. Write it down.

What are your qualities?

What do you struggle with? Take time with this, perhaps even coming back to it a few days later.

Ask others how they perceive you.

What do they say you’re good at?

Recognize the things in your story that make you uncomfortable, things you don’t like to admit but feel are true

Challenge the story.

Are those things you want to change?

Focus on really understanding those aspects of your narrative. Think through where they came from.

What was the root cause?

Imagine what life would be like if these weren’t part of your narrative. What would be different? (From Introvert, Dear –by Peter Ash)

Mindful Ways to Unravel your Self-Narratives

Determine parts of a narrative you want to change – whether your stories are about yourself, other people, habits that you have, beliefs that you follow, stories that you’ve been telling and what parts of it really represent you, the way you feel, the way you see things and how you believe, then rework the story into an uplifting and pleasing story that fits with who you are.

Call the Story Out – in other words whatever you’ve been telling yourself, rethink and rephrase it to self-supporting narratives. If your stories are out of sync with who you really are, it is important to rewrite them so you are consciously creating a positive visual you can align with. Each and every word we say projects an image of who we believe we are, how we treat ourselves and others, whether we act or react or if we live with a loving or harsh approach to live. The way to build a better world is to start within ourselves.

Empower Rather Disempower Yourself – Create a positive future for yourself by stepping outside of your comfort zone and rewriting your self-narratives. We are the only ones on our journey, writing our story as we proceed each day. Like the words you write, the thoughts you have and the words you speak can be transitioned to empowering and positive stories that manifest gifts into your life that meet your wants and needs and fulfill a positive image of who you are.

When you live mindfully, you’ll come to understand that life never happens to you, it happens for you, no matter what the event. Events are neutral, it is the way we perceive what happens and what we say about the events we live that determines their impact. You can’t not have a story. Think of yourself as in a constant, developing relationship with your life: view your life as a partner and a whole, rather than a series of circumstances and events. See your life as a canvas that can be re-painted any way and at any time. What story do you want to tell yourself and those around you?

Final thoughts, everything we say is based on our attitude. Neutralize life, see it as a span of time with an undetermined number of years to go through our life experiences. We can either adapt and endure with a reactive attitude to situations 24/7 or think of our life as a blank canvas, creating each part of our story as we go along, responding in any way that’s in line with who we are.

Jodie Rogers is a coach, facilitator and skills trainer guiding professionals, individuals and corporate teams who need clarity, momentum and greater self-awareness to enable change to happen.

Expert Advice from Benjamin Button: “It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

Thank you for reading my post, I appreciate your time.

Find Your Voice, How to Consciously Speak Up for Yourself

Speaking up for ourselves, mindfully is being assertive without being aggressive.  It is a way to let others know how we feel by expressing ourselves with dignity, confidence and self-respect. It isn’t about being right or wrong, it is about intentionally speaking the truth authentically and sincerely without justifying ourselves.

It’s taken years for me to allow myself to be heard. I’ve spent most of my adult life smiling and remaining silent, the words seemed to be stuck in my throat. It is an injustice to our soul to remain silent. When we don’t speak up, we give our power away and it leads others to believe that we accept how things are and being taken advantage of.

We are so afraid of what others will think or that we’ll end up being alone, we tolerate the unacceptable. I’d never been taught how to speak my mind without fear or thoughtfully. My education came from life bringing people and situations that helped me to overcome those hurdles.

How to Purposefully Speak Up for Yourself

Be Open and Honest

Teach people how to treat you by being transparent when you communicate instead of agreeing or smiling just to keep the peace. It takes practice, but when you speak honestly without being complacent, intimidating and defensive people will be more open to hearing what you have to say. When you do speak be consistent and firm, it will shift every situation.

Be Truthful, Calmly

Speak with confidence, be assertive without aggression.  If a bill is incorrect, don’t let it go, call and dispute it.  If someone is aggressive with you, instead of reacting, respond calmly and thoughtfully by telling them how you feel. No one knows what you’re feeling until you speak up.

Don’t Be Afraid to Disagree

What others do or say has nothing to do with you. There are always people who thrive on trying to control others, intimidating or set in attack mode without taking others into consideration. Don’t cater to them by reacting with anger, shouting or intimidation. Speak up, take a breath, calmly express your perspective. Be sure to clarify what you’re saying and either listen to their response or end the conversation.

Practice Makes You Better

When anyone criticizes or pressures you to do something that isn’t in line with who you are or they’re negligent of your feelings, say something.  This may also mean ending relationships with people who don’t value you or your circumstances. Practice asking for what you need as often as you can.  Your life will only be better each time you enforce the new habit of consciously speaking your mind.

Your Time is Always Yours

Most of us have a hard time saying no to giving our time away.  I know I did for years, I would say yes when I wanted to say no because I wanted everyone to be happy. Don’t let obligations or your kindness get in the way of how you spend the hours in your day, you are the only one who is in control of your time. Break away from people or situations that absorb your precious time.

No One is Responsible for How you Feel or Act but You

No one can invalidate your opinions, you are in complete control of what you believe, how you feel, what you think and how you act. Remember that when you try to negate others point of view, they’re perception is as valid as yours.

I hope this is useful for you. I appreciate your time, thank you for reading my post.

Self-Sabotage – When part of who you are acts in conflict with another part of you

Self-sabotage is not always apparent, it can show up as disease, stress, anger, depression, etc. The discovery of it and healing it is life changing. From my experience, you may gain feelings of self-empowerment, feel good about yourself, release toxic situations and people from your life, care more about what you think than what others do and finally know what harmony and inner peace feels like.

When you’re in conflict with yourself and desperately trying to push through whatever your faced with just know that you’re not alone. Self-sabotage is a common, little discussed, persistent problem many of us are dealing with.  You will know in your heart when you’ve had enough and you’re sick and tired of feeling out of control of your life.

There are overt forms of dependency and self-abuse such as alcohol, drugs, food, etc.  Then there are more subtle forms of dependency such as denial of self-love, lousy relationships, being solitary, anger, lashing out, etc. I realized this just recently when I had an epiphany that I was conditionalizing the love for myself based on my performance and my inability to be more spiritual than what I thought I was.  The truth is I am always spiritual and always doing the best I can, as we all are, we just have to realize our worth and just be.

I am very familiar with self-sabotage, in my case my crutch only made me fat and a target for a variety of diseases. I ate a lot, when I was upset, when I was angry, when I was sad, when I didn’t know what to do, etc. I always managed to consume enough to shove those feelings of inadequacy away. I’ve lived with self-sabotage for years and I didn’t know it. When eating didn’t work anymore, I choose to see myself as a victim. I judged and blamed myself and the other person for the way my life was. I allowed the problems and problem people to swallow me and my life up. Somehow I always managed to avoid the truth of being in constant conflict with myself .

My solutions finally came when I realized I was worthy of being at peace and enjoying my life.  I did inner work, lived my truth by accepting myself as I was and learning to love myself enough to no longer berate and abuse myself with words I would never say to my friends or family. While I cannot tell you how to solve whatever form of self-sabotage you’ve lived with or how to stop the addiction you’re leaning on to help you through, I do know that it is possible to find your way out, to rise above it and move on with your life.

It takes time and perseverance to conquer this way of being, but I can suggest a few ways you can try.

1. Stop yourself from thinking about whatever you’re faced with and go do something to help you relax
2. In place of trying to “figure” it out, go inside to find out what triggers you
3. Go out into nature to really hear what your instincts are trying to tell you
4. Create a private video blog or journal to get the root of your self-sabotage
5. The actual issues matter less than the why you continually sabotage yourself and why it is dominating your life
6. What you feel matters, allow yourself to feel sad, angry, upset, whatever feelings arise let them, just don’t get swallowed up by them, once you feel it, acknowledge them then move on
7. Talk with someone you trust to help you find the right solution
8. Seek professional help if that is what you know you should do
9. No matter what anyone in your life has experienced, you have the right to choose what you know in your heart is right for you.

 

 

The disclaimer provides that this article is merely information – not advice. If readers need medical advice, they should consult a doctor or other appropriate medical professional. The disclaimer also provides that no warranties are given in relation to the information supplied on the blog site, and that no liability will accrue to the content owner in the event that a user suffers loss as a result of reliance upon the information.